On Playing it Cool

I just came across a reel of two people arguing (same person, actually, with two different shirts on), on how to approach situationships. My feed is full of mixed messages, although most of them lean towards keeping your cards close to your chest. My therapist, on the other hand, who’s smarter than all these influencers put together, never lets me compromise on honesty.

My best friend is very wise most of the time. But in matters of love and romance, he can be a teenager. Hey! I'm sure he says the same about me. That I’m the child for not mastering the art of subtlety. He is all for revealing not too much and keeping it chill and not showing eagerness. He does admit he’s more attracted to someone when they keep him at arm’s length. But this is why I feel he’s a teenager. Because that used to attract me too.

I’m at the point in my life where if I have to play it cool, I don't play at all. I pull myself out of the game. When I was younger, the natural inclination would be to strengthen my grasp if I felt the other person pulling away. Now, if someone takes too long to text, is dry and inconsistent, I start cancelling my crush on them. Can you imagine a more tragic fate? It’s not punishment. It’s actions and consequences. I’ve reached the level of wanting more straightforwardness from my life. Sure, mystery is sexy and all that. But I’m not a teenager anymore. 

Fellas, don’t take three days to text back. Please don’t take a week to set the next date. I mean, you’re allowed to, of course. But it won’t work with me. 

My personal events that have blossomed into a relationship were the ones where the second date was arranged before the first one was over. The ones where I get a text back hours (or minutes!) after we’ve parted ways, saying they’ve had a great time, thank you for such a wonderful evening. If I am not sure if I can look forward to you, I re-shift my focus on all the joyful guarantees in life. 

Now, there’s a difference between acting inauthentically coy and respecting one’s space. We don’t want to overwhelm anyone. As Shallon Lester says, we’re all about the middle path. The fine line between coming on too strong and speaking your truth exists. But that is why, it’s a good approach to ground oneself before entering a new connection. To own your emotions, when you feel the contrary starting to happen. Yes, it’s unattractive to rage out at a person when they don’t text back, to have them be the only good thing in your life. Even an anxious attacher would be turned off by that. But there is a steady way to mention what you need while respecting all parties involved. 

Here’s an example:

Anxious

Hey! You didn’t text me since yesterday. What’s going on? Please don’t leave me! I haven’t slept in four days because you haven’t made a plan. 

Aggressive

I’m done with you! You don’t deserve me. Block. Delete.

Playing it Cool

Hey! How’s it going? I’ve been good, living my best life! Yep, keeping busy and meeting people. You’re not on my mind much. 

Honest

Hey, I’ve felt something has been off these past few days. Are we cool? I do miss you but if you’re feeling differently, please let me know. Thank you. 

Isn’t it fascinating that in the last example, you were showing respect to both yourself and the other person simultaneously?

Secure attachment does not mean playing it cool, it means playing it calm. It means you accept yourself, that you’re allowed to have feelings, that your needs are not ridiculous (that’s a whole other topic, and if you’re dealing with a narc, this will be impossible to win), and that you can be disappointed and accepting simultaneously.

So, my point is. Grow up.