"Give the Boring Guy a Chance"

Let me preface by saying that I know there’s a difference between “nice” and “boring,” but today I will use them interchangeably.

There’s a lot of finger wagging advice on social media these days about rejecting the boring guy. They say it’s a result of being used to toxicity, indirectly implying that we’re rewarding bad men by choosing them.

Does anyone ever date you just because you’re nice? How come we never hear men saying this? Why are men allowed to pursue what entices them, and we’re shamed for rejecting the “nice” guy? I’ve been told I’m too picky if I say no to a man whom I don’t find attractive, or who doesn’t make a certain amount of money (which isn’t a lot, btw). But how many of them are swiping right on me purely for my excellent personality? 

Speaking of which, does a nice guy even exist? Or would most men/people be assholes if they can get away with it? I will probably get in trouble for saying this, but unfortunately the stereotype has truth to it: Men can be fickle. “Not all guys!” Yes yes, I know not all guys. But as a woman entering her late 30s, who’s dated throughout her adult life: it’s easy to be nice in the beginning. They can pursue you and pursue you, and be the ones ghosting you and leaving you on read. It kind of doesn’t matter what you do, it’s all a gamble. I’ve had six serious or semi-serious relationships, and countless situationships. 90% of them put their best foot forward. Hell, my first boyfriend was a painter. I was wary of moving forward with him, but he was kind. He was open. Composed. Calm. And he was “sensitive”. Right?

WRONG.

Fast forward two years later: I was dealing with his grouchiness, his poverty, dismissal of my support, snarkiness, bitterness, stubbornness… 

So now, I go for what feels good. I may as well. 

Some reading this may argue that when they say “boring guy,” they’re not actually boring but some women may perceive them as boring because they associate anxiety with love. Or that they’re addicted to the dopamine rush that comes from on-off attention. If that is the case, I advise you to train yourself to be turned on by thoughtfulness, and turned off by inconsistency. This is what it means to “work on yourself”. When I now find myself in this situation, I’ll bring it up with the man maximum twice. If there are no changes or if he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’ll remove myself entirely.

I do get it. I don’t give up on someone immediately, or force myself to have a different type. But once you gain some maturity, vagueness is neither cute nor acceptable anymore. Therapy helps. I’ll go further into this in another post. But for now, let’s get back to the topic. 

We don’t want to discard a perfectly good potential just because we’re not drunk in love by the end of the first date. If there’s something to work with, give it three dates. Chemistry is not everything, but it’s what separates romance from friendship. I think it’s non-negotiable. 

There seems to be this belief that you can have only one or other: excitement or stability. “Well, if you want the fun guy, you can’t expect him to be there for you whenever you need him. You can’t have it all, you know?” 

Alright. Are you like that? Would you say you enjoy both spontaneous evenings as well as curling up with a movie? Guess what? Most humans are like that. It’s okay to want life to be fun and reliable. That balance does exist. You know how I know? Because you exist. If you're bringing both these qualities to the table, it’s okay to ask for it. I’d rather be by myself than with someone who anchors me with their staleness. Cuz you know what happens when I half-heartedly give people a chance? I get irritable. I squirm with rage. My eyes are in a state of permanent rolls. I’m screenshotting the texts to my friends and getting frustrated when they aren’t jumping into agreement with me. How’s that fair on anyone? Your gut is there to be trusted.

I’ve dated all sorts of personalities, and I have never, ever, ever regretted not settling. Whether that’s leaving a man I don’t fully love or enjoy, or leaving a man whose appreciation I'm uncertain of.

Everyone deserves to think, “I’m so lucky. I got the best one.” This feeling is priceless.