Getting Over Him.

 “Moving on is really not fun,” my friend said. 

“ I know,” I told her, “Don’t force it. It will take the time it needs.” 

“Yeah, I guess,” I heard the tired defeat in her voice. “What’s your strategy?” she asked, “Any routine? Plan? What works best for you?”

I laughed at the tragedy of how well I can answer this question. The answers vary depending on the breakup. Was it a 3-month situationship, or four years, bordering on becoming enfianced? Did we see it coming? Was it abusive? Covert or overt? Who broke up with whom? Both are painful in different ways. 

Nevertheless, this is the general overview I am able to provide her. 

1. Looking Forward

This should be the final point, really, but I’m keeping it as the first because it’s the most important. I’m not saying don’t acknowledge the past. I’m saying, don’t dwell on it. I’m all for crying and mourning, and even figuring out what went wrong. And we’ll get to all that later. But for now, remember that time moves in one direction.

I kind of understood how to use this tool in another context. I once went to a party and slipped into the not-most-dignified version of myself. Drunk, pushy, slutty. My friend warned me that I’m about to be ostracized. But the only direction is forward. At the next party, I showed up healthy, participated (and won) a rap battle, reigned back on the desperate flirting, was nice and friendly to everyone. My reputation was more than restored.

When you find yourself ruminating, redirect your thoughts just as you would a toddler veering off the pavement onto the road. Then glide into the future, as it's all that exists. 

2. The List

You can divide them into two lists, or merge them into one like I do. 

First of all, make “Ick List” or “Cringe List”. These are things your ex did that you secretly swept under the rug. That you never mentioned to your friends. It could be how it bothered you when he’d light up a smoke when walking close to a crowd in a small street. Or shake the high-top table every time he sat it, while you’d have to hold the tea from spilling. Or how he’d watch loud TikToks while the two of you were chilling in a nice, quiet park. Look, love is love. It doesn’t diminish the beautiful moments that you shared, or your admiration of him, necessarily. But it does help pull them off the pedestal. 

The second list is all the things you can now do that they’re gone. Again, I’m not asking you to gaslight yourself into thinking things are better now. You can accept that you miss them. But you can also open your eyes to the fact that now you don’t have to manage your appetite around someone else’s schedule. For myself, I notice that I move differently in the evenings when no one is around. Last night, I had Netflix on, the guitar case was open, as well as a writing document. In my restlessness, I moved from one task to another without any awkwardness. I daydream differently and speak out loud parts of imaginary dialogue. 

Again. You don’t need to lie to yourself and say, “Yeah! This is so much better, I prefer this, I don’t miss him/her at all!” It's simply acknowledging the pros and cons. Both things can be true at the same time. You can miss him but also enjoy your solitude in a new way.

Let’s say you got fired. Yes, it sucks. But you also now get to wake up without an alarm, go to a cafe in the middle of the day, go on a spontaneous road trip without permission for time off. So enjoy those perks until you eventually find work again. Because you will. 

Same with a partner. You will find one again. So enjoy that until it comes along. 

Now, you might say, “Honestly. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen for me. This is the last time I’ll ever love again. It’s over.” 

Read on. 

3. Trust that the Universe has Your Best Interest

I can only speak from anecdotal experience, but the key is to know that the universe has cleared out something for you to make space for something better. Much like the time Lisa Kudrow was fired from Frasier, to later become the Phoebe Buffay we all adore for generations to come. This story is one of the many examples where I’ve thanked the lord/universe/coincidence for not granting my prayer. 

If you want to take some power back, use this breakup to find out how you can do things differently next. And (I hate this part) how to be honest with yourself. 

I like to think I’m a great communicator. I am. But I stopped being one in my previous relationship because I was afraid of losing the person. I also like to think I’m secure and confident, which I wasn’t because I clearly thought I needed to be a certain way in order to keep this guy. That he was secretly too good for me, and I was the replaceable one, so it was me who needed to be on my best behaviour. If you’d asked me then, I’d have denied it. I was in my 30s by now, so I thought I knew better. 

It took a lot for me to admit that the reason that particular breakup hurt so much is because I was jealous. Jealous that everything came so easily to him. I was clinging on to him in hopes that good luck would rub off on me. 

Now I could have chosen to stay in that victim narrative, to keep saying, “Everything is so difficult, life is harder for me,” or I could learn how the fortunate ones are the way they are. After many articles, YouTube videos, a course on manifestation, I finally learned to chill out. I put, “You are lucky and blessed” into my Google calendar, and let it show up as a lazy notification every day. It wasn’t an effortful thing, where I sit down at a certain time and intentionally meditate for an hour. Nope. It was a subliminal thing in the background. Fast forward two years later, I really am the luckiest person I know. I find money on the ground. I catch the last train. I find exactly the accessory I’m looking for. 

Additionally, I really now know what it means to uphold boundaries. I’m still not a 100% there yet (recognizing this is also significant), but I’m further along than I was. You know how I know? I put it in practice with the last person I was dating. 

I could go on about this, but my point is: this growth would not have happened (or would have been much slower) had my ex and I stayed together. 

“The person you’re meant to be with, is meant to meet the version of you that doesn’t yet exist.” 

That’s what one of my friends told me the morning after my most recent break-up. It ties in with the next point.

4. Glow-Up. 

So now that you’ve trusted the universe, and understand that all is well and exactly as it should be and you’re headed towards greatness, you can start embellishing your life. 

What kind of a glow up do you want? 

Mental? 

Pick up a new hobby. Or embrace an old one! Puzzles, books, cinema. Learn about the planets or Japanese history.

Emotional? 

I see a therapist but you can do meditation. My friends tell me they’ve never seen me so zen. I used to be so angry and irritable. I also love being nice to myself. It’s attractive.

Professional? 

Get really good at your job. Or sell your mittens on Etsy. Or - now’s the time to open up that cafe. 

Artistic? 

Do you realize how beautiful you look with that paintbrush in your hand? Or when you get that dance move wrong? (Yes, you heard right).

Social? 

FB groups, meet-ups, Bumble BFF. These are endless. Make new friends. 

Physical?

Try out a fresh haircut and a few new items for your wardrobe. Either way, exercise and movement are the best ways to look good and keep the good hormones circulating. 

Or, a mix of them?

I might make a separate blog post elaborating on the different types of glow-ups. My point is, this is the most fun way to get over someone. 

Which version of you are you most excited to get to know?

Enjoy the new you!