Friend: They sure are. It’s a Chinese restaurant, and they don’t follow the rules of Ramzan.
Me: I wanted to do some things until 6 but I can do them later in the evening
Friend: Are you sure?
I wasn’t sure. Technically, I wasn’t busy. I didn’t have a job or an appointment or even a deadline set by someone else. So…yes, I was “free”. But something about having our meal earlier made me feel icky the same way a fake smile can. I really really really knew that the dumplings would have much more flavour if I finished - or at least worked on - this article before dinner. Or tackled any of the other two tasks on my to-do list.
I also knew that we were heading over to my place for a sleepover after dinner, which means no work would be done “later in the evening”.
Friend: We can do 6 if that's better
Me: No it’s okay. Dumplings for lunch
I’m gaslighting myself into believing it’s the best outcome.
Friend: K great! We’ll pick you up at 4.
Me: Are you already in the area?
Me: Sorry, I don’t want to be a pain but is it okay if we stick to 6 or even 5?
Friend: Sure
I wondered if this exchange is an example of me exercising my inner Aries. On the one hand, I WAS able to do it, but I still chose the option that’s more convenient for me instead of what the majority preferred.
On the other, a real Aries would have done a quick scan of their internal compass, decided it doesn’t feel right and said, “No. Let’s keep it for 6pm.”
So should I have started this blogpost with another story? One where the Aries in me comes out with more force? My Aries says, “Nah girl, it’s fine. Fuck it.” After all, I still did it, didn’t I? I chose the thing I want.
Aries is the cool girl. Aries is the hot skinny redhead who gets what she wants. She’s chewing her gum and rolling her eyes at the teacher. Her boyfriend pays for everything and she mumbles a thank you not because she means it but because it’s in the script. She simply asks about the brownie and the barista offers it to her. She doesn’t get broken up with.
HOW I BECAME MORE ARIES
In 2022, I went through a difficult breakup. I was in an infinite loop of second-guessing myself, apologising for something new every day, putting up with belittling and being told my emotions and reactions are inappropriate. “Not cool.”
Months later, I hear he has a new person in his life. My jealous overthinking mind scanned all the possibilities of what she must be like. She seemed to have the correct range of emotions. She never experienced self-doubt, shame, or identity crisis. Life has been smooth sailing for her. Whatever she wants is the default way to be. All the things I had been begging my boyfriend for were reasonable requests coming from her.
Little did I know I’d stepped into my nodal return in Aries. It was a spiritual awakening to learn to be more carefree and self-assured. All these steps took practice.
All Emotions are Valid: You don’t need to justify your “no.”
I was such a good people pleaser that I made it look like I was actually happy to be there. I knew that revealing my burden might make them uncomfortable. My struggle with indecision, however, was obvious and well-known. The two may be seemingly unrelated on the surface, but both of them require you to (crystal) clearly know what you want.
Listening to Your Body
So I started out small. When I was on a bike ride I would ask, “Do I want to turn right or left?” Whichever answer gave me calm is the right one. Additionally, I'd fast forward both decisions and imagine how I'm feeling at the end of each one. There was always one scenario which lowered my blood pressure.
I applied this to everything:
Do I want to go to the party?
Do I want to say yes to this date?
Old-me would have shrugged and said, “Well, I have technically nothing to lose.” New-me would listen to my inner-toddler, “I don’t want to.”
The end.
Allow Yourself Anger: You have the right to be pissed.
My ex used to shame me for wanting to see him more than once a week. I agreed with him that I must be too needy and clingy. But Aries doesn’t apologise for being too much. It doesn’t exist in her vocabulary. Anything she wants is within reason. The "right" amount of time together is the amount of time I want. I get to decide.
The sense of indecision also used to obligate me to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Was she really being mean, or am I just imagining her tone?
Is he really being entitled, or am I reading too much into it?
Am I really asking for too much, or is he gaslighting me?
Aries energy helps you sniff out the audacity within seconds, turn around and walk away.
The moment I first did this is blurry. I was sipping on my second beer at a language exchange event. This Indian bro was explaining Pakistani culture to me. He was informing me that Pakistani girls don’t date, or that it’s rare, or that they don’t do anything before they’re engaged or the families meet. I wish I could remember. What I do remember is me turning away mid-sentence and walking away. The old me would have:
1/ Explained, “Well, actually it’s more complicated than that” in an exasperated voice
2/ “I see what you mean, but…”
3/ Let him finish his thought before nodding politely and excusing myself.
Old Yassie did not burn bridges.
New Yassie recognizes that this mansplainer will only take, never give.
Old Yassie would have left with buzzing clutter in her brain.
New Yassie floats over a bed of silence.
Old Yassie would have waited for the acceptable moment.
New Yassie honours her instincts by the second.
Old Yassie would have wondered if she’s the asshole.
New Yassie doesn’t care. She is certain that the dude deserves not a molecule more of her attention or respect.
Step Into Abundance Mindset
One thing that used to piss me off about Aries is how selfish they are and no one seems to mention it. With Libra-leaning people, we tend to worry that if we anger people or don’t give them a “reason” to stick around, then they won’t. We’ll jump up from our seats as soon as we see someone with grocery bags. We’ll try to find an empty time slot to help out with a favour. We’ll agree to a restaurant with fewer vegan options.
We’ll do all this even though we are literal goddesses, and goddesses are meant to receive.
So let’s work on the muscle of trusting that when we behave with dignity, more treasures come our way:
Turning down the $5 coffee date gives you more energy for the man who makes dinner reservations.
Leaving the office at 5:00 tells your boss that you’re not one for free labour.
This is also something that comes with time. It may be uncomfortable at first, so small steps daily. You can start with refusing to make tea or ask to meet for dinner instead of lunch. I don’t know much about manifestation, but they say that when you start behaving like a queen, the universe rearranges your environment to align with your attitude.
Make your Boundaries Clear to Yourself
After strengthening all these muscles of honouring my comfort and trusting my choices post-breakup, the universe decided to throw me a big exam.
Remember that mansplainer dude from the language exchange? How I literally turned around mid-sentence? It’s easy to “set boundaries” with someone you dislike. The true test is having to do it with someone you want to keep in your life. And one way of doing that is writing out a “script” for yourself.
I’ll give you before-and-after examples of what that looks like:
Example 1
My evil ex used to love talking about his work. He would talk about it for HOURS each evening. Perhaps he was doing it intentionally to torture me. HOURS. I’m not exaggerating. I know it’s hours because sometimes I’d look at my watch and say, “Okay, if he’s still yapping past midnight, then it’s okay to ask him to stop, right?” Midnight would come and go, and I’d still be engaging and suppressing a yawn. I knew he’d get upset with me if I stopped listening. I knew this to be true because he’d accused me of not caring about his job and being a bad listener and say things like, “I wish I had a more supportive girlfriend…” So I’d refer to my “mmhmms” and follow-up questions and stay put until 2am.
Example 2
Two years after the breakup, I was in love again. Every time he touched me, I’d turn into a cloud. We moved alongside in harmony, with a quiet knowing. But he wasn’t perfect. He came over once, and he was having a bad day. His job interview didn’t work out. He got a parking ticket. And the cigarettes he’d gotten from Couche-Tard were almost twice as expensive as the ones from the Dépanneur (cornerstore). He kept talking about it and I kept feeling bad: I didn’t have the right words to comfort him, I’m awkward around angry men, and I didn’t know how to fix it. None of my suggestions were working. I couldn't fix it, but I didn't feel good in that energy either.
I told myself, “If he complains about it three more times, I’m leaving.”
He mentioned it once. I let it go.
Second time: “Putain, c’est vingt dollars!” Last time.
Third time: “C’est cher, merde!” And we were done.
I stopped mid-track. I could have finished walking him to the metro. We were a block away, and the cross on the church next to it was visible. But no, I’d made a promise to myself. Three strikes, and it's over.
I turned to him and said, “I’ll just go home now,”
“Huh? Oh, okay…”
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Sure,”
We kissed and parted ways.
I must have skipped my way back home. I did it!
AND when I got home, I saw a text from him, “Désolé, je suis dégoûté aujourd'hui,”
“It’s alright,” I told him, “We’re all allowed bad days. Do something nice for yourself.”
And I meant it. He has every right to be whiny. And he can do that on his own.
So refer to that script so that your inner decision maker can lean back when times get tense.
The next time your mean-girl coworker is rude to you, you know exactly what to say because it’s been decided.
The next time your sister asks for a last-minute favour (and define what “last minute” means to you), you will say “No.”
The next time your boyfriend ditches you on date night to hang with the PlayStation, you’ll pack your bags.
And there we have it! Remember that reaching this demeanour might take time. And you might lose people (this is a blessing, but may not feel like that in the moment). And you’ll see that being “selfish” actually makes you a better friend, employee, daughter, cousin. Because you’re not doing anything from a place of exhaustion or resentment. You can still be generous with people, but those who deserve it.
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