You part ways amicably. You refer to your break-up manual. You take notes during therapy, sign up for a language class, attend dance sessions, spend 45 minutes a day doing pilates and breathing exercises. You map out your communication patterns and create strategies towards healthy connections. You contact your violin teacher to resume lessons.
One day, you are sitting with mutual friends. "Is he seeing anyone?" you ask, taming your voice into casual. One minute, they're flattening their faces as an attempt to hide. Next, you're telling them, bring it on. Next, you're running to the loo for the biggest shit ever. Next, you're at home looking through his Instagram following. And you just know.
Who is this mediocre bitch posting with such confidence?
Maybe she has a dry haircut.
Maybe she's flat-chested.
Maybe there's no colour in her smile.
Maybe her poems are cliche and bland.
Maybe she looks 20 years older than she's supposed to.
Maybe her most glamorous pose is one with a sweatshirt.
Maybe she speaks only one language, and it's not the two of you used to laugh in.
Or perhaps the opposite:
Maybe she's a grown-ass woman calling herself Mamichula or "HotBabe69".
Maybe she has tattoos through her knee up to her neck.
Maybe she's twerking online for no reason.
Maybe she's shoving her chu-chi into the camera at every opportunity.
Maybe her fillers are exploding out of her face.
Maybe she's posting pages-long screenshots of friends praising her.
Maybe she's putting her adolescent daughter on camera, "interviewing" her for compliments.
Maybe she's sharing moaning make-out videos with whoever her current lover is.
And you think to yourself: "I wasn't the right girl for you. But this screaming, masculine teenage circus is? Got it."
And you really do got it. Let me explain. The reasons are simple, and it has nothing to do with you. Or her. And entirely to do with him.
FEELING INADEQUATE
Have you ever gotten out of the shower at night and climbed into freshly washed bedsheets?
Best feeling, right?
Now, have you ever had freshly washed sheets while sticky from the night? I always hesitate. If I’m too lazy to shower, I’ll sleep on the couch. Or over the covers. But there’s no way I’m ruining those sheets, not while they’re so pristine.
It’s the same with dudes. Except that some/most are so lazy, that they’d rather sleep on the couch than shower. Even if you say nothing, they sense your standard. And they’re not ready to pull themselves up to it. So yes, it will attract you better partners in the long run. But it will filter out a major portion of the population which will make the wait very long.
I’m not saying this to be bitter. I have seen it happen: to myself and to friends. I’ve had guys tell me YEARS later:
“I was intimidated, dating such a sexy older woman,”
“I was scared you’d discover how boring I truly am,”
“I didn’t want you to know that my dick doesn’t work properly.”
So maybe this twerking-tattoo girl is more at ease with him. Maybe she better tolerates his unemployment, his unwillingness to grow, his lack of self-reflection. She presents him on a silver platter while I hold up a mirror.
Or sometimes it’s the opposite. Sometimes the next woman is plain with thin lips and unshiny hair. And sometimes men like that quietness. But we’re not shrinking ourselves for anyone, are we?
CRAVING THE FAMILIAR
Imagine an offering of a Michelin-star dinner.
It’s a 9 course meal, each plate curated with deep intention. The chef has mastered each exquisite detail through years of trial and error. You understand this is a rare experience. And you know it is to be honoured.
But you kinda just want a McDolands.
You know:
With the Michelin-star, you’re going to leave feeling nourished, elevated.
With the McDonalds, you’re gonna feel like shit.
The Michelin star is healthier.
The McDonalds is garbage.
Each Michelin-star is a unique creation.
Every McDonalds drive-through throughout the world is the same. More or less.
But still. Your primal self doesn’t care about intellect. It just wants the satisfaction of biting into that burger. And inhaling those fries. And running to the toilet afterwards.
And that’s how it is.
And same with these dudes. You could shake their bony shoulders and demand, "Whyyyyy? Why don't you want this Michelin-star dinner? Don't you know your palette can experience taste it never knew existed?
And look, it's true. The Michelin DOES demand more on the part of both the chef and the client. You can't just show up in your sweats. You have to dress the part. You have to be present. You can't have a sitcom on in the background. You can't lick ketchup off your knuckles. There IS an unspoken restriction. It requires your presence.
So ask this to a guy who doesn't think he needs to grow. Who doesn't want to put on his good pants.
You don't need to confirm any of this with him. If he had enough self-awareness, we wouldn't be here in the first place. The truth is, if you're someone who's always evolving to a better version of yourself, you will find fewer matches because fewer people are aiming for the same.
But perhaps the wait is worth it. Let's see.
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