Winter is Bankrupting Me

 Hey Everyone!

How are you? Are you sick of this shit? On the one hand, I’m a little concerned that we JUST entered 2025 two minutes ago, and we’re already in the middle of January. On the other hand, winter is a guest who tends to overstay her welcome, and I won’t be politely asking her to stick around for another drink. Though she probably will. 

Maybe you are feeling the same way. Or maybe you’re one of those who says, “I actually like the winter!” If so, you’re an asshole and a liar. A masochist or simply rich. Because that’s the only way to make this season tolerable. I will elaborate. 

I was layered up until now. A turtleneck, a shirt over that, thick jeans, thicker socks. I always feel smart getting dressed up, but my skin doesn't like it. So I took those off, and it felt the same as when you step out of your office building at the end of the day. Oh, the pleasure of movement. I consider it a “treat” to myself. In winter, these are my choices: constricting clothing, or astronomical heating bills. 

Check out my amazing attempt at being joyful.

What’s more: I’ve been a good girl this year. I didn’t buy a pack of smokes and have only been drinking socially. That’s good, right? Yes, but lately I’ve just been obsessed with food. I’m no longer heartbroken and my anxiety is under control, so I thought I was ready. But…the food I make is so good. Tangy, creamy soups with pasta or the most buttery of scrambled eggs, or OKA cheese for midnight nibblings. It's not even a need to fatten up for the winter. It's one of the few indulgences I get to have. I attempted to calorie count today before saying, “Fuck it” and munching up the last of my leftovers from yesterday. Having an appetite is a good sign, but I love balancing it out with a good run.

I miss running! I miss Mont Royal in the spring! I’m getting fucking tired of walking around the Plateau. And yes, I could go further, but I got shit to do. My bike is out of service until the roads become smooth again, so this is my only exercise. Well, I suppose I could invest in winter running gear. See?! That requires money!

Winter sports are for the elite! I remember going skiing for the first (and last) time with my Austrian ex-boyfriend. I was 8-9 years older than him, and it worked because he had his shit together, far more than I did when I was his age. At first, I thought, look at him, opting for healthy activities like skiing. What was I doing at his age? Drugs. Partying. 

But after two days on the slopes, I realized that drugs were far safer and more affordable than skiing. Yes, drugs can be uncomfortable, but so are ski thingies when you don’t know how to use them. So is getting snow in your shoes, or inside your scarf or deep down your neck. So is the fright of flying right into another mountain, or the road with cars below. Drugs also don't require you to book accommodation or rent ski pants or goggles. In conclusion, drugs are clearly the safer, more responsible choice. 

Anyway, back to bitching about winter. The sheer WEIGHT of it. My collection of shoes sits solemnly, while my boots get to go out every day. They're the only pair that gets worn. The other shoes must think I love them less, but that’s far from the truth. 

I do love my winter coat. It’s dark turquoise, thick, and cruelty free. It’s a STEAL. But what a routine: boots, scarf, coat, headband. The my hair gets stuck in a weird way or it’s clinging to my neck so I have to take care of that, but I’ve still got my gloves on, so I take those off first and one falls on the floor next to a puddle of what used to be snow, and aaaaah! Oh, and god forbid I forget to turn off the lights or leave the stove open or I forget something, which means boots come off again, which means unzipping my coat to make it easier.

Today, I actually went for a walk inside the pharmacy. A leisurely stroll inside Jean Coutu. I never notice how much my headband bothers me until it comes off. Wow! "Dünya varmış". That phrase though, there's no translation for it. I suppose the closest is the realization that there is a world. When there's a loud machine outside, and you don't notice how noisy it is until it stops. Or finding a bathroom after having held in and ignored your pee. 

Imagine being immersed in a dream. It's messy. The plot is out of order. The numbers and letters on a screen keep blinking and changing. You find yourself walking on the same street over and over. You just got dressed to go out, but when you look at the mirror, you're still in your pyjamas. 

Then suddenly, your eyes snap open. Everything is still. The pile of clothes on the chair. The creams on your dresser. You find yourself breathing. The world is as it should be. Dünya varmış. 

So that is what I said upon entering the pharmacy today. The aisles greeted me with love. I debated over whether I really need dry shampoo. I could live without, but this one was on sale. Make-up remover. I hope this one doesn't sting my eye. Men's shaving cream, on sale for $3.99. 

I walked around making friends with the hair accessories, admiring the glossy stationery, praising the tiny travel-sized toiletries. I questioned the winter hats with the ugly prints. I avoided the make-up section. That's for grown-ups. I can't tell the differences between the brands. 

I’d considered going to Segal’s for some basic groceries. But the last time I walked there was warmer than it is today. I regretted my commitment because it got cold real quick, the walk back home was so long, and I had to hold in my shit for a good ten minutes before I pretty much fell into my house, put down my bags, removed the hat, scarf, coat, boots, ran to the toilet and savoured a moment of peace.

See? Summer would have never let that happen to me.

You know, I don’t even know if winter would be better with a boyfriend. I definitely miss cuddles more. This year, I’ve been to a reading, a birthday party, and a bunch of us got together to make vision boards. I’ve been feeling less social. Either it’s a lucky coincidence, or I made myself get used to the solitude. It’s just - either someone has to host, or we go out which means we spend money. I miss the casual days of, “Watcha doin? Beer in a park? Which one?” And of course, the streets are brimming with joy, but that’s a whole other post. My point is - winter is more expensive

I gotta go put away my laundry. I do it much more frequently these days (Hello, Bills!). And I can’t hang it outside, where it dries in thrice the speed.

After that, I will have a hot shower followed by a cold beer. I will drink it in bed while plotting my escape. Bye.