Eclipse: Full Moon on Crack

I couldn’t sleep the night before the eclipse. I’m not new to insomnia, but that night the mental spirals I was sliding down were becoming narrower and narrower , and its edges sharpening with each descent. I hadn’t been able to kick off my drinking habit, I hadn’t been able to find extra work, I hadn’t been able to get over feeling defeated from my previous relationship. And then, when I went to the toilet and saw the silverfish were back, I just broke down. 

I’d recently had a falling out with a friend (with some lover components). He was my pillar of optimism and out of nowhere, he’d told me he needed a break from our friendship. I tried not to let it dishearten me, but when the wisest person you know abandons you, it really messes with your sense of trust. Anyway, after I saw those insects that I do not want to name again, I didn’t give a shit anymore and I caved in and messaged him. Then I felt shame for messaging him, so I texted my friend who was in the UAE at the time. I spilled everything that was going on to her, and she’s also full of wisdom so she calmed me back to reality, reminded me that things aren’t always what they seem on the surface and that rock bottom means the only direction available is up. 

When I got off the phone, I saw that the other friend/lover had messaged back. We spoke a bit and he explained his absence, that it indeed had nothing to do with me - or his care for me (echoing what my friend said about situations presenting themselves inaccurately from reality). I put my phone away, feeling elated. 

I managed a few hours of deep sleep. Upon waking up, I did a quick workout, showered, put on a cute dress, and headed off to McGill. I wanted to look nice for the sun and the moon. They deserved it. After all, they were putting on a show for us. 

All that sleep and pep talk and reconciliation put me in a good mood. The eclipse hadn’t even happened yet, and it already inspired the shit out of me. I had a feeling of new beginnings on the way. Even the fact that I had to turn my bike around because I forgot the eclipse glasses didn’t dampen my spirits. Spring was here in Montreal. As I was biking on Esplanade alongside Parc Jeanne Mance, I noticed one, two, three, four cute boys on their bikes too. Just me, and a constellation of cute boys circling my orbit. 

Nina and Aram were already at the campus. We found a spot on top of some concrete stairs. I had my Stellarium app to keep track of the moon. It impresses me how technology has got the accuracy of the cosmic map and its movements down to the second. I’m sure it’s not new, either. 

I also wondered if my new-found nerdiness was authentic to my personality, if the eclipse is actually a big deal, and what if I’m sensationalizing it (spoiler alert: I was not). 

At 14:51, the moon started to touch the sun. With each blink of the eyes, the sky got darker and darker, more sinister. In truth, the whole process was no more than five minutes, but time seems to have slowed down. We are used to seeing the sky change colour before our eyes, but this was different. Something was (literally) getting in the way of the sun, and this time, it was not the horizon. I slipped on my jacket as the sky turned from almost white to a deep purple. Who’d turned on the street lamps? They stood still like omens. I had never seen the moon so powerful. When I was a child, I’d get excited to see its presence during the day. I used to say to, “Look! The sun and the moon, in the same room!” I’d notices its crevices and see them up close in my dreams. But the moon now was a black hole, perfect in its circleness. People around me were screaming, and normally I’m the type to, too. But my scream was stuck in my throat. The moon looked down at us. It was proud up there in the sky, showing off its ring that was made of a star. “It’s so beautiful, it’s so beautiful!” My friend yelled. I tried to respond. My mouth moved but no sound came out of it. I looked over at Mount Royal, at the cross still visible in the “nighttime.” It was like someone had switched off the light in the sky, like they had taken a black gel filter sheet and plastered it over reality. If I wasn’t a grown up, I’d have been scared. 

I was scared. 

I was okay. 

The moon had had enough attention. She was done receiving praises. She enjoyed her moment in the spotlight and was ready to move on. Slowly, the sun was uncovered. The screams died down, my breath returned to normal. 

“What the fuck was that?” I asked my friends. 

We climbed down the stairs and everything was normal. The crowd had dispersed. Spring is not the most beautiful season in Montreal. The grass was quite beige and the trees were still bald. 

Aram went to school. My friend Deniz, her husband and their friend were in town. I was meeting them at La Banquise. I invited Nina to come along. As we dragged my bike there, I realised I hadn’t eaten since the night before. It was time for poutine.

Deniz and I squealed and jumped upon seeing each other. We met as teachers in the same middle school in Istanbul eight years ago. When I moved to Canada, I didn’t know when or if I’d ever see her again. So when she and her husband moved to Toronto earlier that year, it was extra exciting. Deniz is able to maintain her cool in any situation. She is passionate but not many people know this about her. She is committed to her goals - when she has them - and is the most stylish person I know. 

Everyone needs a Deniz in their life. With her, I feel my most intelligent, beautiful, capable and unique self. She finds my crude humour charming and delightful, she thinks it’s ridiculous when “a woman like [me]” cries over a man, she admires my intellect, she calls me cultured and sophisticated.

I was really happy. I found myself laughing in a way I couldn’t have during my depression. All was well, the world was working in our best interest. I’m eating poutine with my amazing friends. The weather was the kind where we get to sit outside without a jacket. Life had hope, I was convinced. 

I don’t remember why I stepped out before everyone else did. I think they were paying at the desk, or were using the washroom? But had I waited thirty seconds before coming out, I would not have seen what I saw: my ex walk past me with his girlfriend. I could tell he was freshly showered. He was wearing his blue coat that made him look taller and handsome. They weren’t holding hands but their fingertips were touching and they were laughing about something. They walked into The Pilot, the same bar where I’d had a (yet another) disappointing date a few months ago. 

And in a matter of seconds, all my progress and growth went down the drain. I was back to being the pathetic girl, the one who never really accomplished anything, the one who couldn’t find or keep a relationship, the one who was in a constant mess, who was too ineloquent to make an argument, who was stuck in a mediocre life. 

“I just saw him,” I told my friends when they came out, “I need to get out of this corner.” 

I was so mad at the universe, “This is the second time this year that I saw them together. I’m doing all the things to get over him. I’m trying to take care of myself, I’m getting involved in projects, I’ve deleted him from all the social media, I avoid talking about him, I…am I being punished?” 

Deniz put her arm around me as we walked on Duluth. She talked me back into self-esteem. Once I’d calmed down, I was ready to go home. 

Once I got home, I see a text from Nina, “Sorry I was a bit grouchy when I left.” 

I called her to ask what she meant by that. She said she was initially upset that Deniz and I excluded her towards the end. 

“I had no idea, babe,” I told her, “Truth be told, I don’t think I was in a position to consider anyone else’s feelings in that moment. Also, Deniz and I go way back, she knows how to talk to me. Plus, I hadn’t seen her in years, and I just spent the last day and a half with you.” 

“I know, I know,” she said, “It’s just, I would have liked to comfort you, too.” 

We both cried on the phone. It was midway through our conversation that I remembered that our emotions were supposed to be this intense. We had a quick giggle and hung up. 

Then, I got a phone call from Aram’s friend, Josh. Josh and I had only met a handful of times. He was probably calling to see if we’re all still together, and if he could join us for a hangout.

“Hello,” I answered,

No “Hello,” from the other end. Josh was crying. 

“It’s so hard,” he bawled, 

“I know, I know. But it’s okay, it’ll be lighter tomorrow. Trust me.” 

I was touched that he chose to open up to me. I didn’t know we were more than acquaintances. 

The next day, I get to work early. I’d been practicing the muscle of optimism and it was paying off. I was able to pick myself back up and keep moving forward. I got my to-do list ready for the morning meeting and was typing away like a good girl. Our boss was late. When she got in, Work Bestie and I got our pens ready for scrum. 

“No scrum this morning,” she told us. Then she asked if I could join her in the HR office. That’s when I knew. 

The company had been downsizing for seven months. Work Bestie had said they wouldn’t get rid of me because I was on part-time salary. 

“I feel bad for you, though” I chuckled, “Who’s going to do all my work?”

“Believe me,” Boss said, “You will be missed,”

“Thank you, Karen. Truly. Can I rely on you for a reference?” 

“Of course,”

“One last request. Can Work Bestie drive me to the metro? The next bus is 38 minutes away.” 

“If she’s not busy…” she trailed off. She knew she wasn’t. 

I had a huge, ridiculous smile on my face as we stepped out. The sun was shining, the birds were singing…okay, that last bit is a lie. There are no birds in industrial areas. But the clouds sure did seem like they were ready for a nice day. 

We got into her car, and I showed her, “Oh look, I stole some teas from them, haha,” I looked over and she had tears in her eyes. 

“Oh no,” I said. I had no idea she cared this much about me. I know she did, she was the best ally ever, in the history of work pals. She is also an amazing, giving friend. She obviously meant a lot to me, but I didn’t know my absence would hurt her, too. 

So then we both cried and hugged. 

On my way home, I texted Deniz saying I’m free to hang out and explore town after all. New beginnings are on their way.

And that was my eclipse experience, and the 24 hours surrounding it.